What are you wearing right now?…

During my “I think I’m hot shit” phase, I went on many dates (via OkCupid and Match.com- online dating will be a later post).

I talked to one (very hot surfer) guy for a few days before meeting him in person and we hit it off really well. I was nervous that when we met face to face it wouldn’t be the same, I was wrong- time flew during the date! It went so well that when I saw my best friend later that night I started to form “red flags” and we decided I shouldn’t see him again (lesson #281419- don’t listen to my friends when my gut is telling me something different). I communicated this to him and that was that.

….till I got drunk in a club at 2am (fyi, I haven’t been in a club in over 2.5 years). I started texting him again and tried to get myself invited to his apt. He lived 5 blocks away from me. I told him I wanted to come over and all but he insisted that I didn’t (he said I was too drunk- not true. I knew EXACTLY what I was doing). Anyway I got home and we talked on the phone. He asked me to tell him my biggest deepest secret- it came out “well…ummm…I’m..aaa…actually a virgin” I could tell he was a little surprised (probably because a lot of our date and phone conversations were very flirty and sexual), but didn’t make it a big deal and said it was HOT (what?!)!

One thing led to another and we ended up having phone sex. I can’t remember how the conversation went there, but nothing much happened…on my end….I was drunk. Half asleep. I told him I was doing stuff- I wasn’t. We laughed after and talked a little more (this was a 2 hour phone convo) and decided to meet up for another date over the next 2 days.

Well more texting happened and he kept bailing on the date.

Another late night phone call and more phone sex!! This time I remember and I was INVOLVED! We talked super dirty and he was VERY detailed. It was the hottest thing ever. I orgasmed, he came (he said), that was that.

We said we’d meet up again but he was leaving the city soon for a month long vacation. I never heard from him again.

When I look back on this I come to think “He was 5 blocks away and we had 2 sessions of phone sex- did my virginity turn him off that much!?”
During it he would describe how hot it was (in graphic detail) that I was a virgin, but you’re 5 blocks away and I invited myself over, and you over to my place- really?? (another red flag?)
I also get mad at myself when I think about it. If I had acted normal, not pointed out red flags, not drunk texted him- would I still be a virgin?

When I write posts like this, or about my 8 year crush, it makes me wonder- if they knew I longed for them this way, would they just do it? Please? …too desperate?

Am I not supposed to admit that some nights I lay in bed and wish I could just pick up the phone and have that experience again?

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