The 8 Year Love(less) Affair

I’m a big, hopeless, dreamer. This is a problem because my expectations aren’t realistic- I still think the boy that I “fell in love” with at 17 and I will still end up together. We’ve never been together.

By the time junior year of high school came around, I had somehow become part of this group of 6(ish) girls. We made friends with a group of guys- and my life hasn’t been the same.

My crush, I’ll name him Brian for privacy, was one of the guys and went to a Catholic school, so we were all getting to know each other for the first time. Brian and I became friends and would AIM (remember AIM?) all of the time (most of this was flirting). I went on and on about him to the other girls. This lasted for months. Then one day one of the girls came up to all of us, I’ll name her Sarah, and told me she was going to match another girl, Jen, up with Brian.

WHAT?!?!?! Apparently everyone knew they’d be a great pair.
(This may explain why every time I’m with a group of friends at a bar or some social setting and a guy starts to talk to me (rare) that I assume they’re just using me to get to my pretty friend- I have issues.)

Brian and Jen became a couple. I stopped talking to Jen for a few days then got over it (how pathetic would it look if I lost all of my friends bc of a crush?). We acted like everything was ok. Even when I would see them holding hands, kissing, sitting together- I put a smile on, but my insides were turning. I would go home and cry every time I saw my friends. It was during this time I should have turned my anger from just Jen to Jen AND Brian. Why did I still like him? We had flirted ALL of the time, there’s no doubt in my mind that he knew I liked him. I had even invited him to a concert. Yet, he still went out with one of my best friends. Every time she would complain about him, like teenage (or all age) girls do about their boyfriends, I would internally roll my eyes and think “you’re so lucky he likes you.” They went out for a few months (which is a lifetime in HS) until Jen decided she actually never liked him and “could do better,” so she broke up with him. Bitch.

We graduated a few weeks later. During my freshman year of college Brian and I still kept in contact. (The group of girls were always surrounded by drama so I took college as an opportunity to cut them out of my life) Brian and I went to a Dane Cook show (with 2 other people) and he even came to visit me in the city once. We went out with a group and he was his flirty self; he rubbed my leg with his while giving a “sexy” smile (WHOA.), why didn’t I take charge? Yes, I flirted back, but what else should I have done? This is when I began to realize that he isn’t dominant AT ALL. (This is also when “You Belong to Me” by Taylor Swift came out…may have been on loop)

After that, we fell out of touch and months later I saw (via Facebook) he was in a relationship with this girl from his former Catholic school. I always thought they were a good match and I was just waiting to find out they were engaged. Well they must have broke up during my senior year of college because he began to like and comment on my Facebook (his pathetic form of flirting- which I reacted to).

This was a different time in my life, which I’ll post about later, but to sum it up- I was going OUT at least 5 nights a week, loving my job, lost 30lb and thought I was hot shit. (This is also when Adele became popular and I blasted Someone Like You and I Can’t Make You Love Me every day) So Brian and I began to big time flirt via Facebook messaging (I don’t have his phone number by the way). Flirting led to me asking if he wears boxers or briefs…which led to me messaging him one night “It’s about time we fuck.” It was 3am, I was drunk in a club and felt bold. It had been 6 years at this point, someone needed to make a move. I woke up the next morning regretting it, but he responded! If this was what I needed to do to lose my v card to Brian, so be it. We continued to heavily flirt via FB messaging (I still have the thread) and I made myself available to visit him and all- but he never made a move or accepted my invites. He didn’t respond for a week at one point and I wrote back “Hi Mr. All Talk.” That is the last part of the thread. He went off of Facebook and I saw he was back with that perfect girl for him. Another one bites the dust.

That was 3 years ago. This summer I joined instagram (late bloomer in that department too). We started to follow each other- why can’t I ever “decline” him!?! After doing some research, he and the girl are no longer together and he still doesn’t have a Facebook. He likes and comments on my pictures and for a few weeks it felt like we were posting pictures just for the others reaction. That’s stopped the past month.

And that is the story of Brian. 8 years all wrapped up.

We have become different people since 17. He doesn’t even fit some of my “list” requirements, but why do I still dream about him just about every night? Even my dreams about him are twisted. Our first encounter consists of him realizing he loves me and I’m amazing. Then comes the part where I break down and cry and say we can’t be together because he had years to pick me and he never did. I put it all out there. We somehow still end up together. Have amazing sex. Get along with each other’s family and friends. Get married…blah blah blah

I also know that he sleeps around a lot (or at least he used to during school), do I just want to be one of his girls? How amazing would it be to have my first time be with Brian?? Why can’t I get this image out of my mind? How would the 6ish group of girls react? Why do I let him tease me, flirt with me, and keep himself relevant when he has done nothing to show he’ll ever make a move. He’s had so many chances, do I intimidate him? Yes, he was hotter in high school and could get any girl, but he’s not looking as great these days! I wonder if he refers to me as “the crazy girl…that was friends with my high school girlfriend…that sent that Facebook message,” to his friends. My friends want me to end all communication with him, but those friends always do what they want with boys, so I’m ignoring their advice this time. I told this story to a friend I seldomly see and she said I should instragram private message him, what do I have to lose? Hmmmm…more months of hoping he’ll do something! (And my last bit of dignity)

After rereading all of this, it seems like I blame myself for every step. Part of it’s true, I keep letting it happen and I make excuses for him (I’ve hoped for him EIGHT years of my life) but I need to place some fault on him. Which is hard; part of me hopes he doesn’t realize what he’s doing, because if he did, we could never be together. But that’s denial speaking. Yes, I know he knows I want to fuck him, but does he know it’s more than that?
(Say Something is now on loop- how does the perfect song always come out at the right time!?)

You’re probably saying to cut him off too, because any sane person would. That’s easier said than done, and I know it would help me to stop thinking about him and waiting for something, but I’m a dreamer.

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