Tisk Tisk

So my best friend’s boyfriend of a year just broke up with her. My mom was visiting me for the weekend when my friend called to tell me. My best friend is like a sister to me and my mom adores her. Well, now I know how my mom would feel if I wasn’t a virgin (even though it’s not confirmed if she knows about my non existent sex life)…

So I get off the phone with my friend and after talking about it a little with my mom, “Did they have sex?” “Yes mom, they were together for a a year! Of course!” My mom- HUGE GASP! No no no, tisk tisk tisk (literally tisked). “Wow I can’t believe that! I can’t believe she’d do that after just a year! Ugh and that’s horrible, see she gives herself up for a guy and he just dumps her like that.” (little does she know my friend sleeps with most guys on the 3rd date)

I respond “Oh please, most girls sleep with a guy after a few dates.” (Didn’t want to give her a heart attack that my friends have one night stands or sleep with someone on the 1st date)

Once I said that I was WAITING for her to ask me, which I was even more nervous about! I had a response made up, “ha…well I’ve never been on more than 1 date with a guy.” …but she never asked!! She just commented “Ugh, I could NEVER!”

I had no idea my mom was soooo traditional like that!! Just a new little update I wanted to share!

Infected

I woke up Monday morning and had an unwelcomed urinary tract infection (I’m prone to them). Rolling eyes.

I later went to a walk in medical center so I can get a prescription. It’s standard procedure to pee in a cup so they can test to confirm you have a UTI. I do my business in the bathroom and go back to wait in the room for the results from the doctor.

A male doctor and the male nurse walk in to further check my vitals (standard procedure) and fill out a prescription. Once the doctor is done telling me about the prescription and how I should drink cranberry juice (duh), the nurse randomly says, “Oh and you’re not pregnant.”

Sigh of relief….?

Hah! DUH!!! I didn’t need a test to tell me that! I literally was floored that it was said so nonchalantly! I guess I gave a smirk (I definitely chuckled to myself) or some sort of expression because the nurse quickly added “it’s just a standard part of the test.” I wanted to respond, “Oh no, it’s not that I was expecting for it to be positive, but it’s funny that I was tested- it would be a Virgin Mary situation.”

So…again…25 year old woman living in the city….shouldn’t be shocked when someone assumes I’m sexually active (which I’d rather that than them sniffing out that I’m a virgin like it’s written on my forehead). Just another day.

By the way…

So I’m in bed, clothes coming off, about to FINALLY do “it” with a guy….do I tell?

Again, I haven’t gone “far”, AT ALL, with a guy, so this hasn’t even happened yet. Every time I imagine my first time, I get nervous about if I’ll tell him or not.

Pros of telling him:
-He’ll have lower expectations from me
-I won’t feel like I’m keeping a secret

Cons of telling him:
-He’ll judge
-He’ll runaway and/or think I’m expecting to marry him
-Deciding how to say it…

How do I say it? WHEN do I say it?! Do I tell him I’ve never even give a blow job!?

Opening the door to my apartment and we know what’s going down tonight, “Oh hey, by the way, I’m a vrigin…yup, you’re the first one that will be entering the vag….oh you have an early meeting tomorrow?”

Basically naked and he’s searching for a condom, “Please, just take it a little slow, this is kinda sorta my first time…oh you lost the condom I saw 5 seconds ago and we can’t go further?”

Lying in bed after it happened (who knows what the hell i’m thinking at this point!), “Ummm…by the way…that was my first time…oh, now it makes sense and you forgot you had to meet someone 5 minutes ago?”

In my head I usually come up with saying, “It’s been a while,” at some point during the night. Or I imagine I’ll be in an amazing relationship and not have any secrets and he accepts everything about me and isn’t put off by it. I can’t see myself telling the guy I just left the bar with for a one night stand, unless I’m super drunk and just let it all out?

I guess I’ll know what to say, or not say, when it’s that time. (hopefully soon)

The Assault

I’ve been avoiding this entry since the start of my blog. I don’t want to write it because I hate to relive it, although I relive it in my head almost every day. I just talked to a friend at dinner about it though, so why not share my wound with all of you while it’s open?

I was sexually assaulted.

It was a one time event, but I feel like it’ll be a part of me forever. Let me share the story.

I worked in a very party type of industry. I lost 40lbs in one year and my mom and friends were worried I was drinking too much; I think these two years will always be the best of my life (I hope I learn that they aren’t). I worked in an office in NY with one man, lets call him Brad, who was 8/9 years older than me and married with 2 babies. Looking back, him and I had a super rare relationship. We got high together, talked about sex, went out and drank all of the time and texted each other 24/7, even when he was home with his wife. We had no feelings towards each other whatsoever; it was a sort of twisted brother sister relationship. I met his family and friends, he met mine, we were more than just boss and assistant.

No, he is not the one that sexually assaulted me. Brad did hurt me, but not in a physical way.

Anyway, after a year and a half of working together he decided to leave to do bigger and better things and encouraged me to do the same. We still texted all of the time.

The owners of the company were a married couple who had 2 kids and lived in LA. I worked closely with the wife as she managed the company and the husband owned other companies. The husband had to come to NY for a few days for business meetings. We were in the office during the day together and little did he know (or maybe he did) I had interviews for other jobs lined up and was almost out the door. The 2 of us went out with some clients. Like I said, it was a party industry, and dinner led to drinks. After we left the clients, the owner, lets name him Eric, asked if I would help him get some things together in the office before his flight home in the morning. I thought nothing of it since I was always in the office alone with Brad and nothing ever happened. Well, that was a mistake.

Once in the office, I sat down at my desk chair. He then came and put himself over me and put his hands sternly on the arm rests. He said disgusting things like he would give me a promotion if I let this happen and that he “knew” me and Brad did things like this (again, not true). He kept saying things and rolled my chair around the office while I tried to break free. I pushed him off and walked towards the door but he pushed me up against the wall and had his arms up so I couldn’t move. I was an avid kick boxer and this was my time to think. Do I tear him apart or go another route? We were 10 floors up and no one was in the building, it was about 9/10pm. I decided not to try and attack because I didn’t know what he could do to me. I kept reminding him about his wife and kids, I knew them well and thought this would make him double think. Wrong again. It felt like forever, but I was eventually able to push him off. I went to the elevator and he followed. He then followed me into a cab!! He got in and sat and closed the door (pushed me in). I told the driver not to leave and this man must get out. I kicked him out.

That was the worst night of my life.

I cried like I’ve never cried before (or after). I felt so defenseless. I talked to Brad for hours (who was the first person I talked to and was even in another country). The next morning I went to the office to gather my things. Of course there was a disgusting voicemail from Eric (voicemail? how stupid is he) that he hopes I got home ok from “our crazy night.”

I can go into more details about the whole process, but I quit. That day. I did tell the wife, who wasn’t surprised by it. I also talked to other girls who worked in the building and were in the same industry and not one of them was surprised. Men in this industry were known for this, some of the girls even asked why I was leaving…really?! I couldn’t walk into that office without getting nauseas. My fun time was over.

Remember how I mentioned Brad hurt me? Well a few weeks after the incident, he cut me out of his life (actually we’re still friends on FB, which my friends don’t approve of). I tried to text and email him. NADA. Brad’s family was connected to Eric’s family with other businesses and I’m convinced he was threatened or the talks of us “doing the same things” were spreading. I can’t blame him for washing his hands, but the way he did it was wrong. I was broken. Not only was I assaulted, my whole life changed. Things were not the same, and never would be. He didn’t even say bye or anything, I just wanted closure. (This is when “Somebody That I Used To Know” came out, it was, and still is, “my” song)

I saw Brad 4 months later on a subway and you would think I was an ex, “You need to pick up the phone and call me!!” Screamed that and ran out, I don’t think I wanted to hear what he had to say (yet, I did). Every night for about 2 years I contemplated emailing him. I longed for closure.

I then went on a trip to Europe for a week all by myself about a year and a half later (almost 2 years after the assault). By the end of the trip, I got back to my happy place (not as happy, but on the way). I had stopped thinking about Brad 24/7 and was moving on. Although I still longed for closure, I didn’t need it to survive like I thought before.

Literally TWO WEEKS after I got back from Europe and I stopped thinking about Brad, I saw him on the street. Unlike the subway, I didn’t know what to say (although I literally dreamed about what I would say and longed for this opportunity every night for over a year before the trip). I had no desire to yell and didn’t want to get hurt (again) by what an unexpected conversation would be like. I didn’t say anything…until I texted him. It was extremely odd that I was on this street at this time (I had left work early for a funeral) and felt like that meant something. I texted that I saw him and it felt weird not saying anything. He actually replied?!?! Hoped I was doing well and was asking about my new job. Told him about a promotion and he said he was truly happy for me and always knew I had it in me and would be successful, he was never worried. I couldn’t have asked for better closure.

So there’s my assault story. That’s just the assault (and a few other parts) of the story, not the whole story. The years after the assault are really the story.

Two months after that night, I was at a bar with friends and we were dancing. A guy came behind me and grabbed me to dance, very common. I elbowed him so hard, then pushed him and hardcore stepped on his foot while yelling “What makes you think you can touch me?!” Poor guy.

….so do you think you can find the connection to my 25 year virginity and this post?

Miss Independent

I’m very independent (and proud of it). Can this be another reason I’m still a virgin? Let’s explore

Like I said, I’m not the type of girl that won’t do things just because she has no one to do them with (I HATE those girls and have told my friends that if I ever depend on a man and become clingy/needy- please slap me in the face). I live alone, have gone to plays and movies alone and have even gone on long vacations alone. Why should I not go to Europe because no one else can go with me? I’m enjoying the things I like to do, that’s that.

(Side comment- saying “alone” does not = lonely…don’t get me wrong, like most people (I think), I get lonely at times, but it’s not a regular feeling)

But…I am eager to do all of the above with a man as well…right? I constantly tell my friends, “I’d love to take advantage of the city with a boyfriend, it must be so different.” Imagine having dinners planned out for you? Having someone look at you on a subway and think, “What a cute couple.” Having your dreams come true of going on vacation with your boyfriend and playing around in the sun and sand all day then be tangled in the sheets of our Bora Bora hut all night? (I told you I was a dreamer)

So what’s with the “…right?” Well I’m so comfortable being single/independent that I’m also worried that if I have to “answer” to someone or think of 2 schedules, that I’ll end up hating it/them. Is this why I’m not in a relationship? 2 of the couples that have been together the longest (and will be together forever) in my life, both consist of independent type people. They don’t NEED each other and do things without the other, but they WANT to be together. Why can’t I have this?

Though, yet again, this may explain why I haven’t had a boyfriend yet…not why I’m a virgin. It seems like the more and more I write, the more and more I realize I am waiting for a boyfriend, not a one night stand.

What are you wearing right now?…

During my “I think I’m hot shit” phase, I went on many dates (via OkCupid and Match.com- online dating will be a later post).

I talked to one (very hot surfer) guy for a few days before meeting him in person and we hit it off really well. I was nervous that when we met face to face it wouldn’t be the same, I was wrong- time flew during the date! It went so well that when I saw my best friend later that night I started to form “red flags” and we decided I shouldn’t see him again (lesson #281419- don’t listen to my friends when my gut is telling me something different). I communicated this to him and that was that.

….till I got drunk in a club at 2am (fyi, I haven’t been in a club in over 2.5 years). I started texting him again and tried to get myself invited to his apt. He lived 5 blocks away from me. I told him I wanted to come over and all but he insisted that I didn’t (he said I was too drunk- not true. I knew EXACTLY what I was doing). Anyway I got home and we talked on the phone. He asked me to tell him my biggest deepest secret- it came out “well…ummm…I’m..aaa…actually a virgin” I could tell he was a little surprised (probably because a lot of our date and phone conversations were very flirty and sexual), but didn’t make it a big deal and said it was HOT (what?!)!

One thing led to another and we ended up having phone sex. I can’t remember how the conversation went there, but nothing much happened…on my end….I was drunk. Half asleep. I told him I was doing stuff- I wasn’t. We laughed after and talked a little more (this was a 2 hour phone convo) and decided to meet up for another date over the next 2 days.

Well more texting happened and he kept bailing on the date.

Another late night phone call and more phone sex!! This time I remember and I was INVOLVED! We talked super dirty and he was VERY detailed. It was the hottest thing ever. I orgasmed, he came (he said), that was that.

We said we’d meet up again but he was leaving the city soon for a month long vacation. I never heard from him again.

When I look back on this I come to think “He was 5 blocks away and we had 2 sessions of phone sex- did my virginity turn him off that much!?”
During it he would describe how hot it was (in graphic detail) that I was a virgin, but you’re 5 blocks away and I invited myself over, and you over to my place- really?? (another red flag?)
I also get mad at myself when I think about it. If I had acted normal, not pointed out red flags, not drunk texted him- would I still be a virgin?

When I write posts like this, or about my 8 year crush, it makes me wonder- if they knew I longed for them this way, would they just do it? Please? …too desperate?

Am I not supposed to admit that some nights I lay in bed and wish I could just pick up the phone and have that experience again?

Liar…?

To lie or not to lie? Well the answer just comes naturally in the moment.

Who doesn’t know I’m a virgin:
-My current coworkers. I’m very close with a few of the girls from my office, and they don’t know (unless they can sniff it out). When they talk about sex, I just join in like I’m “one of them.”
-My previous coworker- who was a 32 year old married man. We had a (very) odd relationship and were very much like brother and sister (will be further discussed in a future post) except my sex life was never off topic. ha- my “sex life” I would even go into detail about the guys I slept with and I told him how much I wanted to bang his best friend. I’ve elaborated the most about my sex life with him.
-Anytime I’m with a group of friends and I don’t know someone and sex talk is involved- I just laugh along and don’t share my status
-Anyone that assumes a 25 year old girl has had sex- which I’m pretty sure makes up 99% of the population.

…so why do I lie? I hate liars! …but this is a harmless lie. My virginity status will not change any of my coworkers or acquaintances worlds. I was never the girl to lie to be “cool” or to have someone think of me differently. It’s partly about how others see me, but I honestly think it’s more about how I see and judge myself. I am my most harsh critic.
I also think it’s easier to lie/not tell the truth in certain situations. If I say I’m a virgin I either receive pity or have questions flown at me like “how did that (not) happen?” Well, I can write a whole blog series on it and still not know, so how much time do you have?

Who knows I’m a virgin:
-A handful of my best best friends (3-5 girls)
-My obgyn (which we already established)
-At my previous job there was another girl that was the same age as me and worked in the same building- we talked a few times. I don’t remember how it came out (this is about 3 years ago), but we both said we were virgins- instant friends. I haven’t talked to her in 2 years, besides the occasional “Hi” on Facebook, but I can’t ask her if she’s still a virgin on her wall!

I’m unsure what my parents think. I assume my mom knows that when (if) it happens, I’ll tell her. But does she honestly not question it? My dad…hmmm…well my dad I really don’t know. I know he expects me to be sexually active (if I’m anything like him, remember, he’s a typical bachelor), but I still feel like I’m looked at like a child…but will I still feel that way about my dad even after I sleep with someone?

The next question does not come so naturally, or maybe it will because it hasn’t gotten to the point of asking myself yet…will I tell the guy I’m about to sleep with that I’m a virgin?

The 8 Year Love(less) Affair

I’m a big, hopeless, dreamer. This is a problem because my expectations aren’t realistic- I still think the boy that I “fell in love” with at 17 and I will still end up together. We’ve never been together.

By the time junior year of high school came around, I had somehow become part of this group of 6(ish) girls. We made friends with a group of guys- and my life hasn’t been the same.

My crush, I’ll name him Brian for privacy, was one of the guys and went to a Catholic school, so we were all getting to know each other for the first time. Brian and I became friends and would AIM (remember AIM?) all of the time (most of this was flirting). I went on and on about him to the other girls. This lasted for months. Then one day one of the girls came up to all of us, I’ll name her Sarah, and told me she was going to match another girl, Jen, up with Brian.

WHAT?!?!?! Apparently everyone knew they’d be a great pair.
(This may explain why every time I’m with a group of friends at a bar or some social setting and a guy starts to talk to me (rare) that I assume they’re just using me to get to my pretty friend- I have issues.)

Brian and Jen became a couple. I stopped talking to Jen for a few days then got over it (how pathetic would it look if I lost all of my friends bc of a crush?). We acted like everything was ok. Even when I would see them holding hands, kissing, sitting together- I put a smile on, but my insides were turning. I would go home and cry every time I saw my friends. It was during this time I should have turned my anger from just Jen to Jen AND Brian. Why did I still like him? We had flirted ALL of the time, there’s no doubt in my mind that he knew I liked him. I had even invited him to a concert. Yet, he still went out with one of my best friends. Every time she would complain about him, like teenage (or all age) girls do about their boyfriends, I would internally roll my eyes and think “you’re so lucky he likes you.” They went out for a few months (which is a lifetime in HS) until Jen decided she actually never liked him and “could do better,” so she broke up with him. Bitch.

We graduated a few weeks later. During my freshman year of college Brian and I still kept in contact. (The group of girls were always surrounded by drama so I took college as an opportunity to cut them out of my life) Brian and I went to a Dane Cook show (with 2 other people) and he even came to visit me in the city once. We went out with a group and he was his flirty self; he rubbed my leg with his while giving a “sexy” smile (WHOA.), why didn’t I take charge? Yes, I flirted back, but what else should I have done? This is when I began to realize that he isn’t dominant AT ALL. (This is also when “You Belong to Me” by Taylor Swift came out…may have been on loop)

After that, we fell out of touch and months later I saw (via Facebook) he was in a relationship with this girl from his former Catholic school. I always thought they were a good match and I was just waiting to find out they were engaged. Well they must have broke up during my senior year of college because he began to like and comment on my Facebook (his pathetic form of flirting- which I reacted to).

This was a different time in my life, which I’ll post about later, but to sum it up- I was going OUT at least 5 nights a week, loving my job, lost 30lb and thought I was hot shit. (This is also when Adele became popular and I blasted Someone Like You and I Can’t Make You Love Me every day) So Brian and I began to big time flirt via Facebook messaging (I don’t have his phone number by the way). Flirting led to me asking if he wears boxers or briefs…which led to me messaging him one night “It’s about time we fuck.” It was 3am, I was drunk in a club and felt bold. It had been 6 years at this point, someone needed to make a move. I woke up the next morning regretting it, but he responded! If this was what I needed to do to lose my v card to Brian, so be it. We continued to heavily flirt via FB messaging (I still have the thread) and I made myself available to visit him and all- but he never made a move or accepted my invites. He didn’t respond for a week at one point and I wrote back “Hi Mr. All Talk.” That is the last part of the thread. He went off of Facebook and I saw he was back with that perfect girl for him. Another one bites the dust.

That was 3 years ago. This summer I joined instagram (late bloomer in that department too). We started to follow each other- why can’t I ever “decline” him!?! After doing some research, he and the girl are no longer together and he still doesn’t have a Facebook. He likes and comments on my pictures and for a few weeks it felt like we were posting pictures just for the others reaction. That’s stopped the past month.

And that is the story of Brian. 8 years all wrapped up.

We have become different people since 17. He doesn’t even fit some of my “list” requirements, but why do I still dream about him just about every night? Even my dreams about him are twisted. Our first encounter consists of him realizing he loves me and I’m amazing. Then comes the part where I break down and cry and say we can’t be together because he had years to pick me and he never did. I put it all out there. We somehow still end up together. Have amazing sex. Get along with each other’s family and friends. Get married…blah blah blah

I also know that he sleeps around a lot (or at least he used to during school), do I just want to be one of his girls? How amazing would it be to have my first time be with Brian?? Why can’t I get this image out of my mind? How would the 6ish group of girls react? Why do I let him tease me, flirt with me, and keep himself relevant when he has done nothing to show he’ll ever make a move. He’s had so many chances, do I intimidate him? Yes, he was hotter in high school and could get any girl, but he’s not looking as great these days! I wonder if he refers to me as “the crazy girl…that was friends with my high school girlfriend…that sent that Facebook message,” to his friends. My friends want me to end all communication with him, but those friends always do what they want with boys, so I’m ignoring their advice this time. I told this story to a friend I seldomly see and she said I should instragram private message him, what do I have to lose? Hmmmm…more months of hoping he’ll do something! (And my last bit of dignity)

After rereading all of this, it seems like I blame myself for every step. Part of it’s true, I keep letting it happen and I make excuses for him (I’ve hoped for him EIGHT years of my life) but I need to place some fault on him. Which is hard; part of me hopes he doesn’t realize what he’s doing, because if he did, we could never be together. But that’s denial speaking. Yes, I know he knows I want to fuck him, but does he know it’s more than that?
(Say Something is now on loop- how does the perfect song always come out at the right time!?)

You’re probably saying to cut him off too, because any sane person would. That’s easier said than done, and I know it would help me to stop thinking about him and waiting for something, but I’m a dreamer.

Embarrassing Moments- Part 1

I plan to have a part 2, 3 and 4 of embarrassing moments throughout this blog as I know my life is full of them.

Hmm…what makes the first list?

How about when I was about 17 or 18 driving in my dad’s car and he starts to ask me about my dating life. Well, that life was (is) non existent. Then comes, “You know we’d love you no matter what.” “Yes, Dad, ok.” “No, I mean if you’re into guys, girls, whatever, it’s ok.” “Dad- I’m not a lesbian.”
(Can I also note that I was at a casual engagement party about a month ago and brought my best friend and the guy that my friend is marrying welcomed us and said “Don’t worry, there’s plenty of single men…or women, if you’re interested.” NO!)
If you are reading this and am wondering if I’m a lesbian- I’m not. That’s that. I have gay friends and would be proud of my sexuality if that was the case. If you can’t tell by know, I’m a very honest and real person.

Oh, how about going to the OBGYN? No, I’m not scared of the Pap smear (which I was told I don’t have to get it every year if I don’t want to- while I’m still virginal) or other common fears- I’m scared of being judged. Which doesn’t happen, they see/hear everything- but maybe it’s my subconscious? Have you been sexually active? Nope. When I was asked this around age 20 of going, the doctor (that I no longer go to) responded “You know we have doctor patient confidentiality if you’re worried about your mom finding out.” “I understand, still- no sexual activity.” The last few times I’ve went to my doctor in the city, there is never a response and I never feel judged, but the thought of saying it out loud to someone I don’t really know embarrasses me *blushing*

The 40 Year Old Virgin

Am I the only one that doesn’t think this movie is funny? Am I the only one that has a panic attack when I’m flipping through my channels and see that it’s on?

I was 16 years old when this movie came out (thank you for that fact IMDB). I thought it was hilarious at the time….AT THE TIME. I guess I stopped thinking it was funny the year I realized I was frustrated (is that the word I want to use? I guess we can explore that topic later- how do i actually FEEL about being a virgin??) I was still a virgin. I’m not really sure when that was either. My level of “frustration” increases with each year, I guess a pivotal moment was when my best friend lost her virginity at the age of 22 and we no longer had that in common.

Sure, the movie has funny parts, how can it not with that cast? But it’s terrifying that a very popular comedy is based on a guy being a late bloomer- is MY story worth being a movie for people to laugh at?!

Please god, I have another 15 years till I’m 40…