I’ve been avoiding this entry since the start of my blog. I don’t want to write it because I hate to relive it, although I relive it in my head almost every day. I just talked to a friend at dinner about it though, so why not share my wound with all of you while it’s open?
I was sexually assaulted.
It was a one time event, but I feel like it’ll be a part of me forever. Let me share the story.
I worked in a very party type of industry. I lost 40lbs in one year and my mom and friends were worried I was drinking too much; I think these two years will always be the best of my life (I hope I learn that they aren’t). I worked in an office in NY with one man, lets call him Brad, who was 8/9 years older than me and married with 2 babies. Looking back, him and I had a super rare relationship. We got high together, talked about sex, went out and drank all of the time and texted each other 24/7, even when he was home with his wife. We had no feelings towards each other whatsoever; it was a sort of twisted brother sister relationship. I met his family and friends, he met mine, we were more than just boss and assistant.
No, he is not the one that sexually assaulted me. Brad did hurt me, but not in a physical way.
Anyway, after a year and a half of working together he decided to leave to do bigger and better things and encouraged me to do the same. We still texted all of the time.
The owners of the company were a married couple who had 2 kids and lived in LA. I worked closely with the wife as she managed the company and the husband owned other companies. The husband had to come to NY for a few days for business meetings. We were in the office during the day together and little did he know (or maybe he did) I had interviews for other jobs lined up and was almost out the door. The 2 of us went out with some clients. Like I said, it was a party industry, and dinner led to drinks. After we left the clients, the owner, lets name him Eric, asked if I would help him get some things together in the office before his flight home in the morning. I thought nothing of it since I was always in the office alone with Brad and nothing ever happened. Well, that was a mistake.
Once in the office, I sat down at my desk chair. He then came and put himself over me and put his hands sternly on the arm rests. He said disgusting things like he would give me a promotion if I let this happen and that he “knew” me and Brad did things like this (again, not true). He kept saying things and rolled my chair around the office while I tried to break free. I pushed him off and walked towards the door but he pushed me up against the wall and had his arms up so I couldn’t move. I was an avid kick boxer and this was my time to think. Do I tear him apart or go another route? We were 10 floors up and no one was in the building, it was about 9/10pm. I decided not to try and attack because I didn’t know what he could do to me. I kept reminding him about his wife and kids, I knew them well and thought this would make him double think. Wrong again. It felt like forever, but I was eventually able to push him off. I went to the elevator and he followed. He then followed me into a cab!! He got in and sat and closed the door (pushed me in). I told the driver not to leave and this man must get out. I kicked him out.
That was the worst night of my life.
I cried like I’ve never cried before (or after). I felt so defenseless. I talked to Brad for hours (who was the first person I talked to and was even in another country). The next morning I went to the office to gather my things. Of course there was a disgusting voicemail from Eric (voicemail? how stupid is he) that he hopes I got home ok from “our crazy night.”
I can go into more details about the whole process, but I quit. That day. I did tell the wife, who wasn’t surprised by it. I also talked to other girls who worked in the building and were in the same industry and not one of them was surprised. Men in this industry were known for this, some of the girls even asked why I was leaving…really?! I couldn’t walk into that office without getting nauseas. My fun time was over.
Remember how I mentioned Brad hurt me? Well a few weeks after the incident, he cut me out of his life (actually we’re still friends on FB, which my friends don’t approve of). I tried to text and email him. NADA. Brad’s family was connected to Eric’s family with other businesses and I’m convinced he was threatened or the talks of us “doing the same things” were spreading. I can’t blame him for washing his hands, but the way he did it was wrong. I was broken. Not only was I assaulted, my whole life changed. Things were not the same, and never would be. He didn’t even say bye or anything, I just wanted closure. (This is when “Somebody That I Used To Know” came out, it was, and still is, “my” song)
I saw Brad 4 months later on a subway and you would think I was an ex, “You need to pick up the phone and call me!!” Screamed that and ran out, I don’t think I wanted to hear what he had to say (yet, I did). Every night for about 2 years I contemplated emailing him. I longed for closure.
I then went on a trip to Europe for a week all by myself about a year and a half later (almost 2 years after the assault). By the end of the trip, I got back to my happy place (not as happy, but on the way). I had stopped thinking about Brad 24/7 and was moving on. Although I still longed for closure, I didn’t need it to survive like I thought before.
Literally TWO WEEKS after I got back from Europe and I stopped thinking about Brad, I saw him on the street. Unlike the subway, I didn’t know what to say (although I literally dreamed about what I would say and longed for this opportunity every night for over a year before the trip). I had no desire to yell and didn’t want to get hurt (again) by what an unexpected conversation would be like. I didn’t say anything…until I texted him. It was extremely odd that I was on this street at this time (I had left work early for a funeral) and felt like that meant something. I texted that I saw him and it felt weird not saying anything. He actually replied?!?! Hoped I was doing well and was asking about my new job. Told him about a promotion and he said he was truly happy for me and always knew I had it in me and would be successful, he was never worried. I couldn’t have asked for better closure.
So there’s my assault story. That’s just the assault (and a few other parts) of the story, not the whole story. The years after the assault are really the story.
Two months after that night, I was at a bar with friends and we were dancing. A guy came behind me and grabbed me to dance, very common. I elbowed him so hard, then pushed him and hardcore stepped on his foot while yelling “What makes you think you can touch me?!” Poor guy.
….so do you think you can find the connection to my 25 year virginity and this post?